Fear, writing and chocolate

I hear a murmuring of internal angst. A rumbling and grumbling within me. I feel a bit shirty and annoyed. I want chocolate, surely that will help, or maybe a glass of wine, or even better, both. But why, what is wrong and what is really happening. I stop for a moment and I see. You are here.

You, the, part of me that looks around and doesn’t like what it sees, the malcontent, dissatisfied and looking for trouble. You want to engage in argument, you want attention, you are restless and bored and today, you are trying to hijack my writing.

You are doubt, you are shame. You are judge, jury, and executioner.

You will have me believe that I am no good. You will have me believe that I am wasting my time. You will have me believe all manner of things. If I let you.

You suck the fun out of my day, you suck the fun out of my writing, dreaming and planning.

You suck full-stop.

I want to laugh at you, I want to poke you in the eye, I want to stomp and shout. But I am a too afraid to. You still hold power over me, you have shaken my confidence, left me feeling unsure. Unhappy even.

You will pull me down quickly if I don’t resist. You got me this far before I even realised what you were doing. But this is how you work best, hiding in the shadows. Unrecognised and unnamed.

Now I see you, and I will name you. What though; the saboteur, the imp, or maybe I will just name you Fear, because I think that is what you are.

Whatever your name, it is time for you to step aside again. You have crept up and out and danced your insidious dance of doubt across my heart. But now I will dance my dance. I will dance my steps and I will recover what is mine.

With little steps at first, just to claim some space again, some confidence, some hope. To regain some sense of okay-ness.

I’ll take little steps beside you Fear. Steps towards my truer self, my creative, hopeful, and kinder self. All the while making offerings to you of humour, gentleness, and chocolate. With sweetness, comfort, and caring, I will dance my dance, write my words and I will hold your hand while I do it.